Well, crap.

I don't want to write this post. I don't want to write it because I don't want this problem to exist; I just want to pretend I didn't know about it and continue with my original plan. But apparently that's impossible. Apparently I, unlike everyone else from my class have to be dragged through hell and back before I get a freaking job. Which is unfair, because -- and maybe this influenced by how much America's Next Top Model I've been watching, but -- I feel like I wanted this job more than almost anybody in that class. But whatever. It's not going to be easy, sure. But does it have to be impossible?

Alright. I'll back up. I'll humor you, remind myself that you, the three or four people who read this have no idea what I'm talking about.

Remember this? Remember that whole "two schools have a long-term sub position at the same time, and I'm in a crisis about which one to go after, because I can't pick both?" Well, turns out that the jobs weren't at the same time. In fact, one was, and is, right after the other. I have two days left in my long-term job at one school, and guess who the second school picked? No, not her. Me! Hooray, and stuff!

Except that it would be a celebration. If not for what I learned today. This morning, I was told that there was an opening at the school where I am now. An opening that starts...yesterday. And that it's full-time, that it will last through the year and on into next year. I'd be the "reading connections" teacher, which sounds like a lot of fun! When I found out, I was all squirmy with excitement and squirmy with guilt at the idea of bailing on the second school, especially since I worked (and nagged) so hard all year to get there.

So then I talked to the principal of the current school. Found out that the job is NOT full-time; it's just an other long-term sub. Buttttt there are two important things to consider, and the two reasons I didn't immediately say "Forget it." One: The job is for the rest of the year. So guaranteed pay, every day, until May. I did not even try to make that rhyme. And Two: The current school pays so much more. I know it's not about money. I'd do this for free if I could pay my bills, get married, travel, and start an adult life somehow. I love teaching. It's not about the money. But when I'm guaranteed not to be working all summer, when I have no idea how to pay back my student loans, when I want to not be so freaking stuck in advancing to a Real Adult Life -- yeah, it does kinda matter.

But it's not like I can take this job and just tell the other school to find someone else. I'm supposed to start in as little as two weeks. And that job would be guaranteed until April. So not as much, but still nice. And if an opening comes up at the second school (Which is, for the record, not even a mile from my house), I want to be number one on their list. I don't even want there to be debate about where my loyalties are -- and if I bail on a pregnant lady that will definitely cause debate.

But can I just walk away from that much more money? This upcoming long-term job is all I've wanted all year. I've been campaigning and lobbying and reminding and poking and prodding every chance I've gotten, just to make sure that they knew I wanted it. Yes that other candidate had the kids last year, and yes that other-other candidate had those same kids earlier this year, but you should pick me, because I WANT IT MORE! And I did. Do. Still do.

I can't decide if this is one of those instances of "you get what you want but still want more, when are you ever going to be happy, just take what you get" or if it's more like "ooh look! A better opportunity!"

If it was an easy decision, I would have made it already.

IS it an easy decision?