Ugh. I am still at school, because I can't bring myself to muster the motivation to get out of the chair and go home. There sits beside me a pile of papers, some turned in late, some just located, some not counted and re-submitted, but I can't make the pile of papers any smaller. I'm listening to the ticking of the clock (that only sometimes reads the correct time) and the teacher talking in the room next to me. I have a write-up slip to turn in, behavior letters to respond to, and extra credit papers to grade and record. I discovered today that other teachers have been printing and sending home grade reports. The floor is littered with paper and bent, torn workbooks. I yelled at almost every one of my classes today.
I feel like a failure.
I don't understand why, when I show respect to the students, they act like they don't care what I have to say. It seems to me that you would behave better for the nicer teacher, rather than hear that as some kind of thinly-veiled code for "do whatever you want." When did that message get so lost in translation? Should I have come in hard and strong and said "If you set one toe out of line, I will write you up, no questions asked?" That's not my style. I want to give every student the benefit of the doubt. I don't want to believe every story I hear, every tattle I hear told. These kids are good. I believe that, when given the opportunity, they will rise the occasion.
So why aren't they? It's been said for the past several days now, by different students and well-meaning teachers, "Oh, they're just acting like this because you are a sub. They wouldn't act like this for their real teacher. They're usually so much more respectful..." etc. Even students have admitted to me that they act differently around me because I am a sub. First off - let me correct that terminology. Because I hate being referred to as "a sub," as though my job title is barely worthy of syllables. I am a TEACHER. I am a Long-Term Substitute Teacher, but one of those words is TEACHER. I am certified in three separate areas, and I have two degrees. The only reason I don't have my own class, my own desk with apple and name plate is because of the job market and my own pickiness. So to hear that they are behaving like this because I am a "sub" really stings. Because what I really hear is "You're not our real teacher. You don't matter. We don't have to do what you say." And maybe it's because I'm the youngest, or maybe because I paid attention when I learned about those certain inalienable rights -- but I feel I DO matter. Call me crazy.
Instead of conduct cuts, which I feel ultimately amount to nothing other than a personal, mutual vendetta between student and teacher, I ask my students to rate their behavior in my class. I ask them to make goals for themselves and talk honestly with me about how they are acting. For some, this apparently means "Nice teacher doesn't punish me as long as I slap down some crap about trying hard, potential, maybe throw in a half-meant apology." And that is disheartening to me. I can't make these kids care. I can't make them behave. But I thought I would be the difference, that I would help them to see that they CAN be better, that they ARE capable of being "good." But, from so many students, I receive barely more than "IDK." Some just throw away my response, in much the same way they throw away my teaching, or any memory of my presence in their lives. That is not what I set out to do -- to be forgotten. I set out to make a difference, to be a strong, adult role model in my students' lives. And, sorry, but I take their apathy a little personally.
But then there are the other students. The ones who say that they really understand the lesson when I teach them. The ones who suggest activities for class, the ones who ask me if I like working here and what I think of their behavior. The student who is starting to improve in how he treats those around him, after two letters back and forth to each other. The student who says that she sees these letters and my honesty with them as an advantage, and that she really appreciates having someone tell her exactly how it is. It's a small, barely-burning match in the fog, but it's something.
Am I being impatient? Can I really expect a student who has built up 13 years of apathy tho turn it around with just three little notes? Will they catch up to the others one day? Should I have silent class tomorrow, where the next person who talks gets a conduct cut? I know the answer is probably to straddle that line between authoritarian and warm, caring hippie. But I'm so new that the line is hard to see. I WANT to be caring all the time. And I want them to care all the time too. I don't want to hear "it's because you're a sub," ever again, though I know I will. I want all of the student responses to eventually be "I get it now! I understand now why we do this, how I act, what I can do better, and I honestly care!" But I know that's impossible. I want to feel like I've made a difference.
I want the energy to get up and go home.
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